I truly understand why some people felt/feel the need to take their own lives.
But every time I’m about to do so, I think of how selfish that is. To quit loving just because I am not loved back. To stop being there for people just because they aren’t there for me. Part of me says that’s just unfair. Choose yourself. Love yourself a little better. Forget about everyone. This world does a very good job brainwashing us all – only love when you are loved back, only care when you are cared for, only do it if you get something in return. But the other part of me, the stubborn, foolish part of me, says love anyway. Give yourself away. Embrace the pain if you must. It’s the only way you know you truly love.
Eres curls up on the couch. The twinkling Christmas lights cast a soft glow of colors against her body. She looks at me before she falls asleep.
Eres and I have grown monumentally closer these past weeks. She follows me around wherever I go. If I had to use the bathroom, she would scratch her nails at the door as a knock, or if I took too long to come out, she would just sit and wait by the door. Once I emerge from the bathroom, she would wiggle her tail and jump at me as if we’d been apart for months. If she was sleeping by my feet, she would be startled with the tiniest move I make, as if terrified that I would go somewhere without her. Forgive me if I keep writing about Eres lately. It is because I still find it fascinating how my heart has learned to love something that used to frighten me. I am amazed that love could seep out not just from human beings, but even from other living, breathing souls such as this dog lying next to me as I type this. Such love that is evident by the way she looks at me before falling asleep, the way she comes running to me for cuddle after blowing her a kiss, and how she never fails to return to me every single morning to anticipate my waking after everyone has gone downstairs. It surprises me sometimes. Perhaps every time still. I guess what I’m just trying to say is that I am grateful to find the friend I never knew I needed in Eres.
Eres, you warm my heart every time you show all sorts of subtle affection – placing your paw over my hand, or your head on my lap, or sitting near my feet as I wash the dishes, or lying next to me when you are terrified of thunders. Thank you for all the joy and love and wonder I never knew my heart could hold.
Please never go away.
I’ve gone places these past few months and the strange, sad thing is: the more I conquered territories, the more I lost my sense of home.